Friday, April 4, 2008

THOUGHT - Don't Squeeze My Goomba

I had a very philosophical rant today about Mario. Now think about it, here you have this man -- a plumber by trade -- running around to save a princess. Firstly, why is the princess in such dire straits? What exactly was she doing to get herself kidnapped in the first place? Where were her ever-vigilant 4-foot tall guards with their 3-foot tall mushroom hats? Dagnabit, ma'am, hire yourself a Swiss legion; and when you're playing football: wear some clothes and don't come off as such a ditz. All you do is bake cakes, pick peaches, and get yourself kidnapped.

I find myself wondering: is Bowser after her money; her power; or is Bowser just a pervert after some cross-species lovins? Or maybe Bowser has a thing for Victorian-esque dresses and is just seeking some fashion advice the only way he knows how: kidnapping people. Maybe, growing up, all Bowser ever learned from his parents was that force was the answer: so he's never known any other way. I bet if you exhaled fire with every breath, people might stay kind of far away from you -- that sort of isolation can be pretty rough on a little kid. Just because he likes the color pink and comes off as a bit of a bully, Mario has to go and be a hot-shot.

By "hot-shot" I mean this: he runs around and jumps on cute little critter's heads, squashing them down to a pancake. I mean, would you seriously go out and, say, jump on an innocent little bunny? Goombas really aren't so different from a bunny: all they ever do is amble about; and there are hundreds of them all over the place. And "goomba" is an Italian term for a very close friend, so really what Mario is doing is squishing cute little guys that just want to be his buddy. Then there's Koopas, wandering about with babbling mouths resembling little fishies... well... OK maybe resembling little turtles. Every Marylander should take dear offense every time a precious terrapin is lost beneath that pair of Italian shoes.

I'm really irked whenever Mario comes up to a flying critter. In these situations, Mario must either land on top of the hapless animal and jump off its head to reach the ledge on the far side; or Mario will fall to his doom. Clearly, option #2 is not a preferable choice for our "hero", so he runs off and leaps on top of a jovial beast whose only crime is enjoying the breeze beneath its wings. In its last for moments of life before an overweight plumber quashes his aviator spirits and sends him falling to his doom, I'm sure that critter wishes he knew what made it so bloody important that Mario had to get across that cliff.

What I want to know is just that: why does Mario HAVE to get across that ledge, anyway? Didn't Mario ever learn that he shouldn't go jumping off of cliffs? Or that cliffs are dangerous? I mean, he might miss the critter and then Mario would himself meet his demise. I bet Mario's mother would be disheartened to learn that her son ran off the edge like a lemming, and she would surely blame herself for never teaching him any better. "If only he joined the mafia like every other young boy, he wouldn't have gotten into this mess," she'd say.

Whenever I am playing Mario and come to a point where I have to sacrifice a koopa or a goomba to the great abyss just so I don't have to fall into the void myself, I always turn around and go back the other way. It's just not worth it, man... it's just not worth it.

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